The thin man

Super Paper Mario may be the most inherently impressive game I've played in months. Everyone has played Super Mario Bros.; this is Super Mario Bros. from a whole new angle, so to speak. Everything that inhabits this game is as thin as a sheet of paper, but you can turn the world on its axis and explore it, to see that everything exists in three dimensions, despite the fact that, 90% of the time, you're only witnessing it take place as a 2-D adventure.

Confused yet? It's okay. It's expected.

There have two Paper Mario games in the past, both mostly RPGs with a light action element. Super Paper Mario is heavy action element with heavy-to-moderate role-playing thrown in. You're going to wade through a lot of text, so if you're not into reading... well, you probably haven't made it this far through the stupid blog, so I will be addressing the rest of the people as though you were never even here. The most fun, of course, is in playing the game just like any classic Mario side-scroller, though the RPG elements cannot be ignored; experience is gained, hit points fly as you doing your stomping thing, and you have an unpleasantly small inventory of items you can use to replenish this or that or whatnot.

I like it, even though it's pretty slow paced. Actually, that's just great for me, since I typically play through games one tiny section at a time, shut down, and then pick it up again in a few hours or maybe the next day. It took me about all of two weeks to make it through the adventure, playing in my fashion, and to pick apart as many secrets as I could before my interest would be inevitably overtaken by a certain electric rat.

Bottom line: I loved it. But, you see, I'm biased. I'm biased towards games that I like and biased against games that I don't like. Take that as it may.

Give me a few days before I go on at length about Pokémon Diamond. Oh, and if anyone would like, I have printed out a lot of artwork to create makeshift Game Boy Advance game cases out of DS cases, and would be glad to do some for others as long as you're willing to reimburse me for the supplies and my time.

Dental conditioning

Is there any seat in the world more stressful than a dentist's chair? When it slowly lowers you into that helpless, flat-on-your-back-with-your-head-leaning-much-further-back-than-you-would-care-for-it-to-be feeling, it is a moment of surrender. Take thy teeth and do thy great will, but preferably not with the evil little dental hook.

Actually, the worst part of a six-month check-up (which is where I was yesterday) is the excruciating wait between when they take your x-rays and when you actually see the dentist. After getting my x-rays done yesterday (fun fact: the lead apron had a rip in it), the hygienist disappeared to parts unknown, possibly never to re-emerge. I hate it when they do this, because I figure that, if it takes them so long between the time they take your x-rays and the time they come to see you, they must have found something horribly wrong. I have terrified mental images of a consortium of the American Dental Association's highest-ranking officials, gathered in an underground war room/bunker, gravely staring at massively magnified x-rays of my teeth, and tacitly discussing the impending tactical nuclear strike they must make against unsightly tarter. All the while, I'm sitting alone in the not-quite-wide-enough dental chair, nervously awaiting the results of my x-rays, the sounds of dental torture instruments coming from my right, the screams of a child coming from my left, all mingling in a delightfully macabre way with the floaty muzak.

All my fears, as per usual, were perfectly wasted; there wasn't so much as a trace of my lunch, let alone cavities. In fact -- and I don't mean to brag, but I will anyway -- the dentist did my teeth cleaning, having called three available hygienists-in-training to observe, all the while calling it an "ideal mouth, the perfect example of proper brushing and flossing." I couldn't help but smile, especially since one of the hygienists seemed stunned into utter delight as she watched the procedure. I didn't even get the evil metal hook thing.

Apparently, I did so well that -- and this is a first for me -- I didn't even get a free toothbrush.

I'm hoping that the nervousness I experienced at this visit may be the root, and not the side-effect, of my recent relapse into minor bouts of anxiety, something I thought I had conquered. I had an incident over Christmas where I very nearly lost my temper, and things haven't been going well since. Hopefully, this too shall pass.

I'm this close to wrapping up Super Paper Mario, which I will blog about at length once it's done. I'm not going to spoil things for you, but here's a sneak preview: this game is an absolute treasure.

Funeral follies

After another weekend junket, I have made a horrific discovery that may forever alter the way I view... stuff.

Are you ready for this?

A few weeks ago, when we were in Alabama, we were getting in to town late and noticed, as we passed by a cemetery, that multiple graves were adorned with -- I kid you not -- glow-in-the-dark ornaments such as crosses and angels. Utterly tasteless, but I don't exactly frequent burial sites and was willing to ignore it as the latest thing in death-related accoutrement.

That was until we got to Southeast Missouri this past weekend, and saw no such adornments on the grave sites there.

So, I guess it must be a regional thing, something common to the Deep South, but possibly not anywhere else in the continental 48 (if I'm wrong, don't tell me; I really don't want to know). And I mean no disrespect to the people of the Deep South, which is a wonderful place full of friendly people who stay crunchy even in milk, but I have to draw the line at tombstone-related tackiness. Don't the dearly departed deserve better than cheap, ugly ornaments? I mean, come on. I look forward to the next level in this glowing trend, including inflatable Death and Dancing Jesus.

Burning question

Since Hell is filled with billions of souls writhing forever in fiery anguish, don't you think it might smell an awful lot like bacon?