Insanity - S = Inanity

Hey, kids! Do you like Madden NFL Football?





Anyone?




Bueller? Bueller?




Well, if you did like it, you'd be happy to know that, this year, you can watch a special behind-the-scenes preview/commercial for the game prior to its mid-August release. Check your local pay-per-view listings and you, too, can order the Madden preview for only $19.99! That's right; you have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pay money to watch a commercial for a game that will more than likely feature only marginal improvements between all the previous editions!

Don't delay! Act now!

The right touch

Another new game in my possession that I thought I'd tell you about.

Trauma Center: Under the Knife is a nifty hospital drama game wherein you are call upon to perform surgery. Using a variety of tools, you use the stylus to perform operations, with your assisting nurse watching over you. Sounds weird, doesn't it? Well, much like Phoenix Wright, this game works on some strangely perverse "this is new" kinda level. I realize that surgery games have been around for a long time, though in short supply (Microcosm on the Intellivision, if I remember correctly), but the DS provides a fresh approach, chiefly through the use of a touch screen. The story that fills in the gaps between the operations isn't anything like the humorous, well-written script to Phoenix Wright; it's okay, but not great. Basically, the further you delve into the title, the more it veers into X-Files territory, with alien parasites causing people's bodies to deteriorate, requiring you to remove the bugs and repair the damage. I'm about halfway through, I think; I just finished an operation where I had to perform surgery not on a body, but a bomb. It's an excellent game; I'm really enjoying it. I've been hearing a lot about how difficult the game gets, but so far I haven't run across anything that didn't require more than a few tries.

Like Phoenix Wright, this game is pretty rare. I found a used copy at Gamestop... or, at least, I thought it was new. When I took the box up to the counter, it turned out that the game was actually new, and that someone had erroniously put a "used" sticker on it. So I got a new game for a used price!

E-Z Animation

I finally caught a showing of Madagascar on HBO, and can now safely confirm that this movie, definitively, blows. I would have to rank it down there with Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights as one of the worst animated movies I've ever seen, bar none.

But there's no denying the success of the Dreamworks formula. Wanna make big bucks through animation? Here's how to do it, the Dreamworks way!:

* Take a concept that's already been done, do it again, and claim to be the first one to have come up with it. Better yet, find out what Disney's working on, rip it off entirely, and go out of your way to make sure that your version comes out in theaters first!

* Hire as many big-name actors as you can -- on the basis of their names, not their talent -- and have them do the voices. Make sure, in your promotional materials, that you advertise the voice actors as opposed to the characters they are voicing.

* License your characters to as many different products as you can, and have them printed on everything from breakfast cereal to diaphragms. Then stick as many product placements as you possibly can into the film itself! For extra credit, put these products on the shelves up to a full year before the film is released in theaters! Whatever doesn't sell, you can put in new, "limited edition" packaging and mark up for the DVD release.

* Pack in as many hoary, tiresome film parodies as you can. Who needs fresh material? People only want to laugh at things they're already familiar with. (For further additional aid, see any random episode of Family Guy.)

* Meet your quotas of fart jokes, words-that-sound-dirty-but-really-aren't, and bodily function/fluid references.

* Write and animate the film in the course of fifteen minutes. Quality is for chumps.

* Release it amongst the biggest self-generated ad/hype campaign a human being is capable of mustering, and blame the film's failure on (pick one: the box office slump / international concerns / not enough product placements / President Bush / Wall Street / Disney / your dog).

I know you can do it, kids. Don't let me down.

Objectionable!

Funny, this is my blog about games and crap and I've yet to write anything relevant to the blog's very purpose. So, here we go.

About three weeks ago I received a brand new copy of Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney for the DS. I was intrigued by the concept of a courtroom-based text adventure, its popularity on the Intertron, and its latent rarity. I had to order it from Capcom's Web site, and I was lucky to get it, as the entire shipment sold out that same night.

A little background: I've been playing games since I was three. Though I was too young to reap the benefits, I've been on the ground floor of videogaming since its inception. One of the most unique and unquestionably appealing types of game has been the text adventure. "Zork" is probably the most famous of these types of games, but my all-time favorite has to be The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy. Of course, in today's society of high-powered graphics and "cool" factor, this type of game doesn't cut it anymore. It has since evolved into the point-and-click adventure, consisting of classics such as Maniac Mansion and Secret of Monkey Island. And now, that brings us to Phoenix Wright.

You play the role of a fresh-from-the-bar defense lawyer, continually forced into different cases that, from their outset, he couldn't possibly win. But by pressing the witnesses, examining the evidence, and objecting to even the most minor contradictions, Phoenix can and does win -- provided you don't tick off the judge. Press the witness to much and you'll get called on the carpet for badgering; object to a statement to which you cannot present evidence of a clear contradiction and the judge will overrule you. If you're penalized five times in the course of a single trial, the judge will end the proceedings immediately and rule against your client, ending the game. Being a DS title, it does indeed employ some limited voice recognition. You have to hold down the Y button to "activate" the microphone, but you can shout "HOLD IT!" to press the witness, "TAKE THAT!" to present evidence, and "OBJECTION!" to... well, object.

Before the courtroom battles begin, you need to gather evidence. Visit the crime scenes and other locations, examine every square inch of the area, and talk to anyone who has anything to say. A great deal of this game's personality comes from the characters you meet and the things they have to say. Phoenix himself is a great character, easily flustered by his opponents and clearly inexperienced. In the second chapter, you gain a partner, a pre-teen girl who tackles the caseload with just a bit too much energy. The prosecuting attorneys range from serious and business-like to preening and arrogant; the last one, whom you face in the fourth and fifth chapters, runs the proceedings with an iron fist, intimidating even the judge.

Needless to say, I love this game.

I've also dredged up the Super NES classic Secret of Mana for another playthrough. I'm almost done, and I still like this game, though I'm disappointed that it doesn't move as quickly or as smoothly as I remember. I'm tempted to go after its spiritual successor, Secret of Evermore, when I'm done, even though I didn't care much for that game the first time I played it.

In defense of South Park

First of all, for those who are new here, I love cartoons. I have made it a point over the years to support all animated series, for no reason other than a love of the medium.

That said, I have a few choice words about one of the most controversial animated series, South Park.

Last night, part two of "Cartoon Wars" aired. In this story, Cartman travels to Fox Studios to fool them into pulling a controversial episode of Family Guy off the air. Said episode allegedly shows an uncensored image of the holy prophet Muhammed; al-Queda (sp?) has promised to retaliate severely if this takes place. Cartman, who hates Family Guy and its bizarre, disjointed structure (it really is a crappy way to write a cartoon, but I digress), knows that making them pull a single episode will inevitably lead to even greater censorship, to the point that the show will be taken off the air entirely. Another boy, Kyle, tries to stop him, with the help of a certain spiky-haired character from another popular animated series.

After this two-parter initially aired last spring, reports sprung up all over the Internet about its content, with even major news outlets reporting how an episode of South Park contained "images of Jesus defecating on President Bush and the American flag". Sounds horrible in print, doesn't it?

But have you actually seen the episode?

Let me put it in context for you. After Kyle succeeds in saving Family Guy, and the controversely imagery is shown (though we don't get to see it; it is edited for our viewing, in a joking slam against Comedy Central's own hypocritical censorship guidelines). As the world celebrates, President Bush is suddenly informed, "The terrorists are retaliating!!" The retaliation -- as it were -- is a cartoon produced by al-Queda (how in the holy crap you spell that??). In it, a photographic cut-out of a normal person appears. "Hello! I am American!" Another one appears. "I am American, too! Let's crap!" And they do... with horribly-drawn cartoon poop appearing at random all over the place. Other "people" join them, including President Bush and Jesus, and they all crap. "Yummy, yummy crap!" An American flag is beneath them. Then the cartoon ends, with a question mark hilariously drawn after the words "The End".

I submit that there is no way a rational human being can see this scene and actually be offended by it. It is one of the most ludicrous things I've ever seen. I will admit right here and now that I found it hilarious, that the "retaliation" promised by these terrorist organizations is little more than their own poorly-produced cartoon, intended to incense the American people over the mocking protrayal of their flag, their President and their savior, but done in a way that no one could possibly take it seriously.

AND YET, in real life, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT DID. Even without trying, even without having anything to do with it, THE TERRORISTS WON thanks to the average American's inherant fear and ignorance about things HE HAS HEARD ARE BAD BUT HAS NO DIRECT KNOWLEDGE OF.

Why are you wasting your energy on this silly cartoon? It's not intended for your children; that much should be patently clear by now. Its messages, such as they are, are not going to affect you, other than getting you angry for no good reason. Why are we such a reactionary society? I, therefore, controversially submit that, in regards to this dopey cartoon about crap-flinging photographs of Americans, that WE ARE NOT MATURE ENOUGH FOR IT.

That's all. Next time, I promise to write about something less heavy.

Here I go, again on my own

Gonna try Blogspot and see if I can do any better with it than I did on myspace.