Mind Rot

From Here to Paternity (Part 1)

2008-10-27T12:44:00.001-07:00

Time sure flies when you don't bother to update your blog or even remember that you have one. Seriously, what's the deal?

So, I last updated this blog on Tuesday, April 8, 2008. The following evening – Wednesday, April 9, 2008 – my wife informed me that she is pregnant with our first child. If you know me, then you know this. If you don't, then now you know why I haven't been writing too much about video games as of late. Also, forgot my blog, etc.

I've decided to blog about childbirth class, because it has been one of the singularly most interesting experiences of my life thus far. We've been sitting in the two-hour, seven-week course, because my feeble brain can't absorb everything in a single day, nor can I retain the attention span necessary I need more water to sit for the better part of a day Day-O was a song in Beetlejuice and learn stuff.

At first, I was nervous about the idea of a "class," because a "class" usually means "school," which my records show I never excelled at for multitudinous reasons. The first class was quite alleviating, as not only did none of the other first-time dads have a clue what they were doing, but their wives were clearly worried about all sorts of things I had never heard of, including some sort of erroneous birthing event that literally rips you a new one. Most of the first session was pretty basic; lots of meet-n-greet type stuff, activities along that line, some of the basics of what we were getting into, that sort of stuff. It was in the second class that things got interesting.

At this point, I feel I must warn you that I will be using some of the raw terminology in regards to various anatomy, so cover your eyes and think of butterflies if using the actual words for what they are makes you squeamish.

In the second class, we saw the video. And by the video, I mean THE VIDEO. You know, the one where you actually see the baby pop out of the (pitiable) mother. Not much grosses me out and this was no exception. I had actually seen a birthing video before, in high school health class, and wasn't exactly put off then, either. That was almost twenty years ago, however, so I felt just the tiniest twinge of trepidation in regards to what we would see, especially since the teacher informed us that we would be watching not one, but two – TWO – birthing videos, one of a delivery with epidural, one by "natural" (or, "insane") delivery.

The lights went down, I hunkered into my seat – there was hunkering – and it began. We start in a delivery room, with a young mother in the throes of labor, ready for the blessed event (likely ready for it to just be over with, I imagine). And here's it became interesting; when the pushing began, we cut away to a cartoon of the baby moving ever-so-gradually towards delivery. There was an audible sigh of relief around the room at this point; apparently, everyone distressed over seeing actual suspicious parts delivering actual babies.

It wouldn't last.

After a few more of these cut-aways, with the baby inching ever closer to its freedom from gestational captivity, we cut away to the pained mother's face (she was the one with the epidural, but still clearly uncomfortable), and then we cut back, not to a cartoon this time, but to the woman's vagina. And there is a mixture of groans from the women in the room, and chuckles from the guys. Let the record show that I was not chuckling, but rather silent, smug in my knowledge that we would certainly be seeing the actual birthing process.

When we cut again to the offending vagina, there is something horrible emerging from it, something small but clearly not small enough to squeeze out without injuring its host. Now the women are turning pale, shockingly clear to all even in the relative darkness. And in the next shot, the baby is now coming out in one big push. And the room is happy again, happier than it was before, with oohs and awws and general love for what we have witnessed. There's something about seeing a baby, even a horribly-hued purple baby, that tickles the emotions of all. A general good feel ran through the room, high-fiving everyone it met.

It wouldn't last.

Seconds later, we are treated to a sight that no one is prepared for: the placenta, held up by the nurse. For those of you lucky enough to have never seen a placenta outside of a textbook diagram, it appeared to strongly resemble a flattened lung that had been marinated in Capri Sun. It occurs to me that this is what the other end of the umbilililical cord had been attached to; I always figured that, once cut, it recoiled back into the woman like an extension cord on a vacuum cleaner. Or maybe I just thought I figured that. At any rate, I wasn't so put off by the sight of the placenta as I was stunned with a second or two of "What in the world is... OH!" Your mileage may vary.

The second video was pretty much the same thing, only without the epidural or the placenta. So we saw the same procedure taking place with a woman who would clearly have gotten up and left in the middle of childbirth if she had the option, but instead had to squeeze out this tiny human whom – from the sound of her pain – must have been covered in barbed hooks or broken glass. This, too, had a happy ending, particularly for us guys who wouldn't be directly experiencing either event from the mother's role.

I think all this has accomplished is to further galvanize my wife's position on pain medication during childbirth, namely to give her as much as legally possible. I am bound by court order that, if the epidural fails, I am to administer anesthesia myself with a giant wooden mallet or similar potentially-lethal comedy prop.

The "relaxation" portion of class concluded with the practicing of breathing exercises. Having done therapy, I realize the therapeutic power of deep breathing and fully endorse it, but I'm not sure what good it'll do when D-day arrives. I'm sure that proper lung capacity is the last thing on a woman's mind when she's trying to push a boulder through a straw, poor-metaphorically speaking. The teacher made it clear that it was the jobs of us "coaches" to make sure she does her breathing exercises during labor, but I know my wife better than that: my job is to get her to the hospital and keep my big mouth shut, for if anything gets me in trouble, it'll have been something I've said. If she wants me to breathe with her, she'll tell me point blank; until then, I will hold her hand (until she tells me to let go), mop her brow (until she tells me to get away), and reassure her during those most difficult moments (until she's lucid enough to reach for the nearest, sharpest object and use it in such a manner to make absolutely sure this situation cannot repeat itself).

I kid, I kid. She's a very independent woman and I'm a good enough husband to know when she needs me and when she doesn't. At least, I think I'm a good enough husband. We'll find out, won't we?

So I look forward to the next class and the experiences it has to offer as we march inexorably towards December 18, to the event we've both been waiting for for so long. Someone else can deal with the placenta.

So

2008-04-08T10:48:00.000-07:00

So. I haven't written in this little beige box in months. But what to write? I guess games, because nothing else in my life has been all that interesting as of late.

House of the Dead 2 & Return I'm a sucker for classic arcade games, and even moreso for compilations of said titles. The terrifying trifecta of Taito Legends, Capcom Classics Collection and Midway Arcade Treasures together provide the very best games the arcades have had to offer. Other compos aren't so lucky. House of the Dead 2 & 3 Return sticks two light gun games together. I love light gun games. I love games that involve or revolve around the shooting of the undead. House of the Dead combines these two pastimes and does so with splendor, but it's still just two games, neither particularly cerebral, and neither even close to the quality of Umbrella Chronicles. Worth it if you have spare cash lying about. Check your pockets.

Chibi-Robo: Park Patrol May shame be heaped upon you if you have no love for Chibi-Robo. I loved the GameCube game, and I love the DS sequel, on a smaller scale. Part of what made the original so good was the exploration of a modest house from a tiny point of view, a house occupied by a family of idiots. And not just any idiots. The Sandersons are the type who could set themselves on fire and not realize it for days. There are no Sandersons in Park Patrol, and that's a strike against it. But, then, there are no Sandersons in Tony Hawk or Madden, either, and that's why I staunchly oppose those two franchises. Park Patrol is Chibi-Robo doing the Harvest Moon thing: grow flowers, add playground equipment, protect park from goony little blots called Smogglings. Highly recommended.

Planet Puzzle League Tetris Attack, again, with a slicker presentation, touch controls and online. I like it.

Yoshi's Island DS I've been playing this game off and on again recently, and finally managed to complete it just the other day. That doesn't sound like a herculean task when discussing a game where babies are carried by dinosaurs, but many of the stages – this is true – many of the stages were designed in the Seventh Circle of Hell by none other than He Who Is The Dark Lord Satan himself. Can't say anything bad about the game play; it's just really freaking hard, man. Lots of auto-scrolling stages, lots of one-hit kills from lava and spikes. It's not as good as Yoshi's Island, but, then, what is? Worth your time if you don't mind having your anger issues outed to the world. Seriously, this game would drive the Pope into an obscenity-laced fury.

Contra 4 Speaking of games that are good but way too hard, this. Contra on a two-screen portable, just as cool as always, but screamingly difficult. And no extra life codes.

New Super Mario Bros. Also not new, but I've been playing it a lot lately, and I've come to believe that this game may, in some perverse way, actually be the best Mario game since Super Mario 64 (this is prior to Galaxy, mind.) It's just a really good, SMB3-like game without all the extra junk that you'll hoard but never use.

Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney Do I need to repeat how much I love the Ace Attorney series? I love the Ace Attorney series. The Phoenix Wright trilogy has wrapped up, and now it's Apollo's turn. Pretty much the same thing, only with the crime lab stuff from PW1's fifth case. Apollo is just as clownishly lovable as Phoenix.

Metal Gear Solid: The Essential Collection Where has this game been my whole life? Seriously, Metal Gear Solid is pretty awesome, a fantastic cinematic Metal Gear game that plays so similarly to the original NES title that it's kinda scary. Can't say I have a problem with that. The collection also contains MGS2 and 3, but – completist that I am – I will finish them in order.

Super Smash Bros. Brawl What more needs to be said?

Thundercat and I will be traveling soon. Hopefully, I will have some great stories from those experiences.

I'm sure you wanted to know

2007-12-14T08:47:00.000-08:00

That glorious time of the year, the point where a million-bazillion games all come out at once but you can only afford so many when you're a responsible adult. I think I've gotten all the ones I'm gonna get pre-Xmas (if I even get any then).

Super Mario Galaxy... man, I don't even know where to start. I knew I'd like it. I'd seen so much of it that it was impossible not to like it. But to experience it... then, you start to appreciate it on a nearly celestial level. It's no secret to anyone that Mario games are highly appealing, but this game may be the very definition of the word whimsy. Every galaxy you visit is so bizarre, so multi-dimensional, so disorienting and enchanting all at once. It's been a while since I've played a game where I'm searching every tiny nook and cranny, just in case, not just to see what I can find but also to see what I can see. It's that good. Anything else I good talk about -- great visuals, sweeping orchestral score, turning into a bee, reasonable challenges... shoot, that's all just gravy.

I'll stop italicizing now.

Link's Crossbow Training surprised me. The Zapper itself does not; it performs the basic function of housing the Wiimote and nunchuk in a plastic shell that kinda looks like a tommygun, sans the circular thingy in front of the trigger (what is that thing for? Extra bullets? Or is it just someplace to put your keys, or maybe hold spare change?). It's a bit clunky to hold and doesn't really affect the game itself at all. The game is shockingly addictive, even if it is pretty much limited to presenting somewhat more grandiose versions of the challenges offered by classic NES Zapper games the likes of Duck Hunt, Hogan's Alley et al. Everything is set in the world of Twilight Princess, music and all. Hearing the dissonent chant-style music of the Celestial Temple while shooting targets being toted by the freaky chicken-nipple-thingy Oocoos is an experience I can't even put into words, but IT IS THERE, and it's pretty well done. I'm not a fan of the "defender" missions, where you stand in one place and rotate on the spot to shoot at obstacles on all sides, but no one's forcing me to play them, so there. As far as I'm concerned, regarding the overall Crossbow Training/Zapper package, I bought a cheap game that came with a free plastic gun.

Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles did not surprise me, because I got exactly what I wanted; specifically, a somewhat more fleshed out take on the game play from Sega's House of the Dead series. What did surprise me is that, in my house, I'm not the game's biggest fan. My beautiful wife, whose gaming tastes lean primarily towards the likes of Brain Age and Picross DS and "safe" platformers in the vein of Mario and Sonic, loves this game, and we play it together on an almost nightly basis. I certainly enjoy the game well enough; I'm a big Resident Evil fan, but not big enough to get caught up in the story-related inconsistencies Umbrella Chronicles presents. Thundercat, on the other, just likes to shoot zombies, and that shows me that, one way or another, the game's developers accomplished exactly what they set out to do. Well played, Capcom. Well played.

Yesterday, I did something I hadn't done in a good, long time; I bought a new Game Boy Advance game. The store was clearing out copies of Drill Dozer, and I snagged one on the cheap. Haven't played it yet, but I've heard nothing but good things.

A very merry non-denominational, inoffensive early-winter festivity to all, and to all a good something or the other.

HEY! LISTEN!

2007-10-29T06:23:00.000-07:00

So I haven't posted in a while, and I don't exactly have anything interesting to say right now. Let me summarize in a few bullet points:

• I just finished The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass, and I highly enjoyed the adventure. Unlike, oh, say, Final Fantasy XII, this is one game that does not fall apart in the endgame sequence.

• Super Mario Galaxy looms ahead like a joyous, candy-coated black hole of sunshine and lollipops. Fortunately, I happen to like sunshine and lollipops. This could be the greatest game ever.

• Super Smash Bros. Brawl... this, on the other hand, may be the greatest thing ever, and that assessment includes both the Renaissance and Jell-o Pudding Pops.

• Finishing Ninja Gaiden II still makes me feel accomplished, even if it is the easiest of the original trilogy.

• Metroid Prime 3 was excellent; no surprises here. If Metroid Prime 2 irritated you like it did me, Prime 3 more than makes up for it.

• My Pokémon collection now includes the rarest of the rare, such as Celebi, Deoxys, Arceus, Shaymin and Darkrai. I know you really wanted to know that.

• How is it that stupid "Cavemen" show is still on the air??

• I don't want to live in a world that has yet to put Wrecking Crew on the Virtual Console.

• I've got a great church family and I've grown to appreciate the time I get to spend with them.

Happy All-Hallows to all, and I hope to blog some more in the next few weeks.

Breaking up is hard to do

2007-08-29T05:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Final Fantasy XII,

How are you? I am fine. Kinda tired and haven't had anyone to talk to for a few days.

Writing this letter is the hardest thing I've had to do. I'm sorry, but I don't think we should see each other anymore. This past month has been great, and I'll always remember the fun we had together, but I'm tired and I need to move on.

It's not you; it's me.

Actually, it is you. You see, you were great at first. Promising quest, innovative battle system, nice graphics, grandiose score... you had it all. But something went terribly wrong. Your endgame sequence, Final Fantasy XII, it just... it just sucks. Yeah, I know that the big tower thing was supposed to be the final dungeon, but it's so anticlimactic. I got through it and it ended, and then all I had to do was board my airship and fight the final three bosses? That's so abrupt. And those last three bosses were so easy, because I spent so much time hunting marks and collecting rare goods to sell for good weapons and armor. In fact, I think I spent more time doing that than I did actually playing the portions of the game that were relevant! And don't get me started on the ridiculous plot, the plot that goes nowhere, with a villain that's totally forgettable. And then there are the main characters, who never develop. They're just there. They have personalities, but we don't learn anything about them, they don't grow or become more interesting. They're just devices for speeding along the story, which is hard to follow because of the stupid stilted language everyone speaks in. Yeah, I know you're going for authenticity, but come on.

There's no use trying to plead with me. My mind is made up. Besides, I've met someone new.

I think you'd like her. She's a bounty hunter, the strong, silent type. Things have really been working out so far. I'm already adept at using the new controls, and I've enjoyed every minute. Things aren't too serious between us yet, but I'm willing to give it time. It's kinda difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who's always wearing bulky orange armor, but I imagine I could get her out of that suit in due time, or if we go out on a date that lasts less than two and a half hours on the hardest difficulty setting with over 70% item completion.

Don't try to change my mind. I won't say that things are over between us forever. You've got that strategy-based spin-off on the DS -- Revenant Wings, was it? And who nows? Some distant summer, after finishing my annual run through Super Mario Sunshine, I might see you sitting on the shelf and think, hey, wouldn't it be great to get back together for a little while? But not now.

I'm sorry.

Sincerely,

TM520

dictated, but not read

Time sink

2007-08-08T06:30:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I last wrote a full-length blog entry on gaming... and it will probably be a little while longer before I write one.

Bottom line, I've been playing Chibi-Robo (massively cute and extremely clever), Tomb Raider Legend (good, but too short), Lego Star Wars II (always awesome) and Taito Legends 2 (love Qix and the Space Invaders sequels, so far not too impressed with much else).

I've now moved on to two games that, together, threaten to devour my soul for all eternity. Final Fantasy XII, which I had been saving for just such a summer drought, needs no introduction and will likely warrant a lengthy, pointless discussion from me at some point in the far-flung future. Picross DS is a little more low-key, but still completely awesome, since it's a collection of picross puzzles you can play using the touch screen, with hundreds of puzzles already on the game card and the promise of many, many more to be made available via download. Time well wasted.

The greatest thing ever

2007-07-13T13:46:00.000-07:00

The new-and-vastly-downsized E3 is over, and while there were few surprises to be had (aside from Mario Party DS, which is something I've been waiting for), I now have confidence that Super Mario Galaxy could be the greatest thing ever. And, even if it's not, this particular picture unquestionably is:

It's Bee Mario. Bee Mario has just made my year.

Compleet

2007-07-09T13:05:00.000-07:00

With yesterday's acquisition of Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones, I now have every GameCube game I've ever wanted, and can officially declare that tiny corner of the collection complete.

I'm close to wrapping up Chibi-Robo, and I plan to run through Tomb Raider Legend and Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles before moving on to brand-new pastures. Chibi-Robo deserves a blog entry all its own, but I haven't finished it yet, so that'll come later. In the meanwhile, here's another game I've been putting some time into lately.

Star Fox Command is the debut of Star Fox on the DS. I've had this game since Xmas, but haven't sunk much time into it until recently. One very, very big reason for this is that it uses the stylus entirely, which means -- if you're an adult -- you will need a stylus large enough to hold comfortably, and not the microscopic stylus Nintendo steals away in the side or top of your DS.

Basically, you steer, map your course, speed up, slow down, and turn around/loop-de-loop all with the stylus, which sounds like a really terrible idea when spoken out loud. In practice, it's not so bad. The big thing with this game is, it's set up more like a tactical strategy game, where shooting and piloting skills really take a back seat to how well you plan your assault. The shooting sections merely require you to defeat certain enemies and collect stars as proof of your actions; again, a concept that sounds worse than it really is. I think Nintendo realized somewhere down the road that stylus-based control would be extremely painful if prolonged, which is why the shooting game play has been compressed into chunks rather than forcing you fly through lengthy stages. Oh, and the game itself is a pretty short run the first time through, but you're given a key afterwards that lets you open up branching paths, ultimately leading a considerably higher number of stages. It's highly story-based, too.

As enjoyable as the game ultimately is, I'm not sure how highly I would recommend it to others. You see, as most long-time Nintendo fans know, the Star Fox series has more or less fallen out of grace. Oh, sure, the first two games were excellent, but Star Fox Adventures took Fox and friends out of their Arwings and stuck them on the ground, where they did not belong, and basically forced them -- and you -- through an obnoxious fetch-quest. And then there was Star Fox Assault on the GameCube, which took the game back to its shooting combat roots, but again forced you to spend the majority of the game on the ground, NOT in the air. Big, big mistake. Needless to say, it's been hard to take this IP seriously after two poor games in a row.

Star Fox Command is a step in the right direction. Though everyone loves Star Fox and Star Fox 64, I don't think it would have been a good idea to go back to that exact same formula. The strategy element gives the game a stronger sense of urgency, and the multiple paths are good, too, though you don't really have to do anything to earn your way off the beaten path, like you did before. I would just prefer a more comfortable, more traditional way to control the game should Nintendo decide to go ahead with a follow-up.

Prime roast

2007-07-03T06:02:00.000-07:00

In preparation for Metroid Prime 3, the big Wii game this summer, I went back and played through Metroid Prime 2 on GameCube, a game I had played mostly through in years past, but just now played to completion.

Metroid Prime 2 is... well, it's not fundamentally different from Metroid Prime 1, in regards to presentation, game play, controls... everything, really. You can fall off of ledges and hurt yourself now; scanning things is easier; there's a few different weapons, though they function with frightening similarity to the weapons from Prime 1; fewer Metroids; and it goes on in that fashion. Small things, really. This time, Samus gets her stuff stolen in the game's opening sequence, giving you your reason for having to hunt it all down yet again. Each stolen implement is held by a boss, and that's where the main difference in Metroid Prime 2 becomes apparent: this game is much harder than its predecessor. Really, some of those bosses border on sheer unfairness. My completing the game last night came from the lucky break that continuing allowed me to resume the fight with the second final boss, rather than start over against the first. Had it not, I would have quit right then and there.

So this one has some frustration that the first one didn't. Then there's the fact that the first game feels more -- I don't know -- Metroidy? -- than this one. The game is fun in regards to the fact that it's still Metroid, but it's not a new experience like the first game was. Moreover, the game uses the light/dark dichotomy to create two worlds, each a mirror image of the other, as well as a "dark" version of Samus. This must be a Nintendo thing, because they do this in a lot of their main franchises, particularly Zelda.

Time for a brief installment of Spoiler Theater, so cover your ears and sing loudly if you don't want a more-or-less predictable revelation to be ruined for you. Dark Samus IS Metroid Prime, which doesn't make a lot of sense given that Prime got atomized at the end of the first game. Oh, it's never definitively stated that DS is MP, but the Luminoth lore gives it away, talking about a cataclysmic meteor crash that began all their problems with Dark Aether, which is exactly how Tallon IV is described as going down the toilet in the first game. When you get your last look at Dark Samus before the final battle, it's pretty obvious.

So that's that, and Metroid Prime 2 goes back on the shelf until I revisit it again in a few years or so. I'm in the process of rounding out my GameCube library (while there's still time...) and have picked up a few older titles at budget prices. I've just started Chibi-Robo, which is a game both adorable and... and... I'm not sure. I'll have more to say about it some other time.

Ratted out

2007-07-02T11:52:00.001-07:00

I saw Ratatouille this weekend and enjoyed it thoroughly, and was perfectly prepared to make some comments about it. But the incomparable Jeremy Parish, on his blog at gamespite.net, already has said more than I ever could, and his words are as follows:

The Iron Giant was Brad Bird's loving homage to classic sci-fi and '50s Cold War paranoia; The Incredibles was an affectionate tribute to Silver Age comic books by way of Watchmen. Ratatouille is something completely different, and maybe a little bit disappointing in its predictability: Bird crafting a by-the-numbers contemporary animated feature. It's the story of your average talking critter who just isn't like the rest of his kind, who finds himself suddenly thrust into a new situation, who eventually comes into his own and everyone learns to accept him for who he is. Like A Bug's Life. Or Antz. Or Madagascar. Or Happy Feet. Or... ho hum, everything, really. Seems like a trite premise for a Bird film, so good thing it's absolutely the most beautiful CG animated movie ever, right?

Or at least, that's what I'd say if I were a complete moron. I mean, yes, Ratatouille is the most beautiful CG animated movie ever, and yeah, the premise is a bit trite -- but it's the results that matter rather than the concept, and the results are incredible. Of course, this is the Internet, so I'm sure we'll see raging screeds from horrible people who set out to hate the movie sight unseen (and presumably a lengthy diabtribe by John Kricfalusi about how horrible its animation was -- not enough pea green!!). But normal people, the ones who aren't socially retarded and can appreciate beauty when they see it, will rightly love Ratatouille.

It's a great movie because of all the things it doesn't do. It's full of fuzzy little mammals, and they're animated gorgeously and have distinct designs... but they're not especially cute or marketable. The main character, Remy, is scrawny; his brother is obese; his father is lumpy and gnarled. When the rat colony moves together, it's revoltingly realistic, sickening in the way that only a swarm of rodents or insects can be. I'm sure there are Ratatouille plushes on sale at the Disney store, but I rather suspect the manufacturers were forced to take some liberties with the designs. This movie, unlike, say, Cars, was not created to sell toys. (I would, however, be more than happy to buy a copy of Anyone Can Cook, the book that provides so much of the film's impetus.)

It's a movie about rats, living in sewers, foraging for garbage, but there's not a single fart joke to be found. No scatological humor anywhere, in fact. And even though the setting -- modern-day Paris -- and the topic -- fine cuisine -- are ripe for pop culture parodies, the film never rises to the bait. No Iron Chef, no Julia Child, no Emeril references, nothing. Even the one dig at the French is given equal time by a dig at Americans. The humor is classy, and it's internally consistent; where most animation has degenerated into the likes of Family Guy and Shrek, which can't actually be enjoyed unless you're familiar with 40 years worth of TV, movies and music, Ratatouille lets its jokes be about the characters, about the situations. It's never laugh-out-loud hilarious, employing instead a quieter sort of humor. And while a few celebrities lend their voices to the production, none are cast as animated versions as themselves. There are no fish with Will Smith's face, no bees that look alarmingly like Jerry Seinfeld. This is a movie that dares to pay Jeneane Garofolo and Sir Ian Holm for their talents, then makes their voices unrecognizable with thick French accents -- because it's their talent that counts, not their celebrity cachet.

It's almost... it's almost as though Brad Bird actually respects his audience. Like he remembers that animation doesn't have to be an uneasy mix of dumbed-down base-level comedy (to keep kids alert) and "witty" quips (to keep their parents from slipping into a coma) and celebrity pandering (to justify those celebrity paychecks). Like he remembers that every part of a good story can be appreciated by anyone, because good storytelling is universal.

In that post from a year ago linked above, I compared the comedy and motion in the Ratatouille trailer to the bygone days of animation, and that's what makes the final movie so good. It upholds those ideas, the standards of an era before Robin Williams' big blue Genie sent animation down the path of shallow parody, before the convenience of CG art made animation studios forget that craft and care are more important than technical prowess and toy-ready character designs. Take away the beautiful, luminous 3D visuals and you have a movie that could have been made in Disney's 1940s heyday, a film that could be one of Hayao Miyazaki's less crotchety creations.

I can't help but think that food critic Anton Ego's story arc is supposed to be representative of the movie at large, that his reaction to Remy's cooking was intended by Bird as a statement of intent for what he wants this movie to provoke in its viewers. Which is actually pretty cocky of him, when it comes down to it -- but acceptable, because he pulled it off. This is a beautiful movie, and in more ways than just its romantic visual depiction of Paris. They don't make 'em like this anymore, but Ratatouille proves that they could. If only they had the integrity.

So run, little guy, run. Your kind is all but extinct these days. We need you to live, to be an inspiration to the rest of the world.

Comic relief

2007-06-25T13:28:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start doing something I've been threatening to do for a while now and actually use this blog to provide updates about the comic, Screamerz and Doorknobz.

That's, uh... that's pretty much it, really.

Watch this space, blah blah blah.

Gnashville

2007-06-08T13:00:00.000-07:00

Thundercat and I took an impromptu trip to Nashville last week. Why? Why not?

As she worked in the day, I spent most of the time holed up in the hotel room, doing pretty much whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to. Nice. When she returned in the evening, we'd go to the mall and get something to eat.

Opryland Mills Mall is... well, it's unquestionably big, but I can't say I enjoyed it much. For starters, a mall jammed with stores is wasted on someone who frequents only the same two or three places anytime he goes to a mall, and whose idea of "shopping" is to "go in, get what you want, pay for it, leave and be done with it", not "go in, look at stuff, look at more stuff, keep looking at stuff, leave, go to a different store that has the same stuff, lather, rinse, repeat." No, the big problem I had with this mall was the kiosks. Every mall has kiosks, to be sure, but these kiosks were staffed with the pushiest salespeople I've met in this country. The experienced forced a flashback to Cozumel, a port of call on our honeymoon, where every crappy trinket store -- all selling the exact same crappy trinkets, mind -- had barkers standing out front, urging you to enter and purchase their wares. Those guys were irritating. The mall's salespeople were flat-out obnoxious, to the point where, if you refused to stop and look at their stuff, it became an invitation to calumny. I'm pretty sure I got cursed out in Hindi by a girl who seemed deeply concerned about the health of my cuticles; I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, as my back was turned when I heard... whatever it was I heard.

The Opryland Mills mall has the world's worst Macaroni Grill, where part of my lasagna -- I'm not kidding -- was burnt to an inedible lump of carbon.

Oh, and they also have an oxygen bar. If you don't know what an oxygen bar is, I encourage you to look it up. Suffice it to say that it is one of the most bizarre concepts you'll ever try to wrap your brain around.

The summer of our discontent

2007-06-06T12:51:00.000-07:00

It's summer, that ridiculously long season of heat stroke, insect infestations and crap movie sequels. What better way to spend Satan's season than indoors?

The past two months have been devoted to the pursuit of Pokémon. My Dex is filling up nicely and Thundercat is about to start her Pokémon journey in the weeks to follow. If any of you out there are into Diamond and Pearl, wish to trade Pokémon, and aren't total buttholes, let me know. I'll post my friend code in the near future.

When not catching 'em all, I've been catching up on the long and great history of Spider-Man by perusing back issues bound in wonderful collections called the Essentials. They're some of the most poorly-bound books you'll ever read -- they literally fall apart in your hands -- but it's worth it for the cheap price and the abundance of Spidey-related goodness.

But on to more important matters. Summer gaming, as most people know, tends to be the pits, with few interesting releases between now and the start of the Fall Glut. I've been hanging on to Final Fantasy XII with the express purpose of using it to save myself from summer boredom, but summer is also the time to either clear out your backlog of unfinished games or go back and revisit your old favorites. Astonishingly, I have only a handful of unfinished games and no real intention to go through any of them right now, mood swings permitting, so this summer will be devoted to playing the games I love.

Here's what I'm planning to play through as of the time of this post:

Super Mario Sunshine (a summer tradition!)
Final Fantasy III (the DS game, not the Super NES game)
Phoenix Wright (actually in the backlog)
Banjo-Tooie
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
Metroid Prime 2

Bearing in mind that we're talking about a three-month period here, and that there will still be a new game or two every now and then, what else should I revisit? I'm open to any and all suggestions, unless your suggestions happen to be stupid, at which point I will probably have to call you out on that.

The Alaskan odyssey

2007-05-17T13:37:00.000-07:00

I suppose I should blog at length about our recent trip to The Great Land, but eventually everyone reaches a point in their lives where it's hard to go on and on about stuff without sounding like an overstimulated child. So I'll just cover the high points:

• Glaciers, icebergs and snow-capped mountains are things that I will never get tired of seeing, especially since we were magically and mysteriously upgraded to a cabin with a private balcony (this was a cruise ship). Icebergs are bright blue, even up close, and it's fun to see harbor seals lying lazily upon them.

• By my count, we saw most of the animals we had hoped to see on this cruise: whales (humpbacks and orcas), harbor seals, sea lions, dungeoness crabs, jellyfish, sea cucumbers, dolphins, velociraptors, Canadians, a shiny Blastoise, and El Chupicabrae. Thundercat missed the dolphins, which makes a total of two cruises we've been on where I saw dolphins and she didn't. The crabs we saw included both those that were alive and those that were served with drawn butter. Whale-watching was the single greatest part of the entire trip, and I may blog about that someday. Two animals we did not see were black bears and whatever the plural form is of moose. The bears were a bit of a surprise, as hibernation had just ended and it seemed likely that they would be everywhere; we were a bit far south for moose.

• One animal I neglected to mention was the bald eagle, which appeared in absolute scads no matter where we went. The reason I didn't list it is because, where I grew up, the bald eagle is native, and not an unusual sight. Everyone else on the ship, however, would drop everything the instant one of the birds was sighted and start taking pictures en masse, completely neglecting photo ops such as a humpback whale bursting through the bay's surface, a rainbow so bright that you practically needed sunglasses to view it, and, of course, the total destruction of The Earth As We Know It. In Alaska, we learned, the bald eagle is as bothersome and damaging a pest as the common pigeon. It's also why no one up there keeps puppies or kittens in their backyards; they're bird chow.

• One of the most memorable excursions we took was to a dog sled camp, where we got to see all the dogs and actually ride in a sled. What happens is, you sit in a nine-seater sled that looks like a car with no top to it, harnessed to about eighteen dogs, whose moods switch from exhausted to wound up in the time it takes you to blink. As soon as we sat down, those dogs were ready to go, and when they got the word, we took off like a roller-coaster over some very hilly ground. For those of you who are wondering, the dogs are treated very humanely; this isn't Call of the Wild. They were extremely friendly and well taken care of, and we were even encouraged to pet them and to play with the puppies afterwards. Perhaps the most impressive part of the ride was the fact that one dog had so mastered the art of the race that he was able to run and poop at the same time.

• No one got seasick, through the ship threatened to throw us all about on our first day out to sea.

• Go on a strict diet in the two months leading up to your own cruise. You will eat so much rich, potentially lethal food on the cruise that you will be about two hundred pounds heavier when you disembark. They had to carry me off the ship with two forklifts. One for each cheek.

• A quick observation about disembarkation: there's no way you can cross that gangplank, getting on or getting off, without feeling like a refugee.

• This cruise was packed with senior citizens. We were probably one of the youngest couples on board, and there were very few children. To show you just how hilariously pitiful it was, all the gorgeous landscapes and adventurous excursions in the world couldn't hold a candle to what proved to be the single-most popular event, occurring daily on the ship: Bingo.

• I should've had a clue about the average age of our voyage's passengers on the flight to Seattle. I was sitting near the lavatory, and I never saw so many people get up to go pee in all my life. I thought we were traveling with the Society of the Clinically Incontinent. The flight back was better; I got a seat up front with lotsa leg room!

• Oh, and on our way in to Seattle, we flew over Mount St. Helens. That was pretty cool. We also flew over the tornadoes that decimated southern Kansas; it wasn't so bad for us, though the turbulence nearly sent Thundercat's ginger ale into the ionosphere.

I might post more later.

The thin man

2007-04-23T08:52:00.000-07:00

Super Paper Mario may be the most inherently impressive game I've played in months. Everyone has played Super Mario Bros.; this is Super Mario Bros. from a whole new angle, so to speak. Everything that inhabits this game is as thin as a sheet of paper, but you can turn the world on its axis and explore it, to see that everything exists in three dimensions, despite the fact that, 90% of the time, you're only witnessing it take place as a 2-D adventure.

Confused yet? It's okay. It's expected.

There have two Paper Mario games in the past, both mostly RPGs with a light action element. Super Paper Mario is heavy action element with heavy-to-moderate role-playing thrown in. You're going to wade through a lot of text, so if you're not into reading... well, you probably haven't made it this far through the stupid blog, so I will be addressing the rest of the people as though you were never even here. The most fun, of course, is in playing the game just like any classic Mario side-scroller, though the RPG elements cannot be ignored; experience is gained, hit points fly as you doing your stomping thing, and you have an unpleasantly small inventory of items you can use to replenish this or that or whatnot.

I like it, even though it's pretty slow paced. Actually, that's just great for me, since I typically play through games one tiny section at a time, shut down, and then pick it up again in a few hours or maybe the next day. It took me about all of two weeks to make it through the adventure, playing in my fashion, and to pick apart as many secrets as I could before my interest would be inevitably overtaken by a certain electric rat.

Bottom line: I loved it. But, you see, I'm biased. I'm biased towards games that I like and biased against games that I don't like. Take that as it may.

Give me a few days before I go on at length about Pokémon Diamond. Oh, and if anyone would like, I have printed out a lot of artwork to create makeshift Game Boy Advance game cases out of DS cases, and would be glad to do some for others as long as you're willing to reimburse me for the supplies and my time.

Dental conditioning

2007-04-18T08:03:00.000-07:00

Is there any seat in the world more stressful than a dentist's chair? When it slowly lowers you into that helpless, flat-on-your-back-with-your-head-leaning-much-further-back-than-you-would-care-for-it-to-be feeling, it is a moment of surrender. Take thy teeth and do thy great will, but preferably not with the evil little dental hook.

Actually, the worst part of a six-month check-up (which is where I was yesterday) is the excruciating wait between when they take your x-rays and when you actually see the dentist. After getting my x-rays done yesterday (fun fact: the lead apron had a rip in it), the hygienist disappeared to parts unknown, possibly never to re-emerge. I hate it when they do this, because I figure that, if it takes them so long between the time they take your x-rays and the time they come to see you, they must have found something horribly wrong. I have terrified mental images of a consortium of the American Dental Association's highest-ranking officials, gathered in an underground war room/bunker, gravely staring at massively magnified x-rays of my teeth, and tacitly discussing the impending tactical nuclear strike they must make against unsightly tarter. All the while, I'm sitting alone in the not-quite-wide-enough dental chair, nervously awaiting the results of my x-rays, the sounds of dental torture instruments coming from my right, the screams of a child coming from my left, all mingling in a delightfully macabre way with the floaty muzak.

All my fears, as per usual, were perfectly wasted; there wasn't so much as a trace of my lunch, let alone cavities. In fact -- and I don't mean to brag, but I will anyway -- the dentist did my teeth cleaning, having called three available hygienists-in-training to observe, all the while calling it an "ideal mouth, the perfect example of proper brushing and flossing." I couldn't help but smile, especially since one of the hygienists seemed stunned into utter delight as she watched the procedure. I didn't even get the evil metal hook thing.

Apparently, I did so well that -- and this is a first for me -- I didn't even get a free toothbrush.

I'm hoping that the nervousness I experienced at this visit may be the root, and not the side-effect, of my recent relapse into minor bouts of anxiety, something I thought I had conquered. I had an incident over Christmas where I very nearly lost my temper, and things haven't been going well since. Hopefully, this too shall pass.

I'm this close to wrapping up Super Paper Mario, which I will blog about at length once it's done. I'm not going to spoil things for you, but here's a sneak preview: this game is an absolute treasure.

Funeral follies

2007-04-09T08:17:00.000-07:00

After another weekend junket, I have made a horrific discovery that may forever alter the way I view... stuff.

Are you ready for this?

A few weeks ago, when we were in Alabama, we were getting in to town late and noticed, as we passed by a cemetery, that multiple graves were adorned with -- I kid you not -- glow-in-the-dark ornaments such as crosses and angels. Utterly tasteless, but I don't exactly frequent burial sites and was willing to ignore it as the latest thing in death-related accoutrement.

That was until we got to Southeast Missouri this past weekend, and saw no such adornments on the grave sites there.

So, I guess it must be a regional thing, something common to the Deep South, but possibly not anywhere else in the continental 48 (if I'm wrong, don't tell me; I really don't want to know). And I mean no disrespect to the people of the Deep South, which is a wonderful place full of friendly people who stay crunchy even in milk, but I have to draw the line at tombstone-related tackiness. Don't the dearly departed deserve better than cheap, ugly ornaments? I mean, come on. I look forward to the next level in this glowing trend, including inflatable Death and Dancing Jesus.

Burning question

2007-04-01T14:37:00.000-07:00

Since Hell is filled with billions of souls writhing forever in fiery anguish, don't you think it might smell an awful lot like bacon?

Alabama Jubilee

2007-03-20T06:35:00.000-07:00

This weekend, Thundercat and I went to visit her brother and his family, which I call the Alabama Contingency because they live in -- wait for it -- New Hampshire. Seriously, I like going to Alabama. It's a decent state, and the people there always seem to fall over themselves to be friendly to you. Yet the country at large seems to have a negative opinion of southerners in general and Alabamiacs in particular. I've never really understood this, to be honest. I have a theory, though, that would help edu-muh-cate others. You know how, every few months, some random a**hole celebrity goes and spends a few days with Fidel Castro and announces to the nation that Castro's just another great, regular guy who uses his tyrannic rule to keep the Cuban people in impoverished slavery? I think we should get those same celebrities and send them to Alabama. Have the press follow them as they tour cotton fields, visit the space center, are ripped asunder by a hurricane, etc. I guarantee you, the nation will worship the entire state based on the mere fact that some celebrity actually went there for reasons not involving staged photo-ops with hurricane refugees.

Anyway, we went to celebrate my nephew's fourth birthday; let's call him Pikachu (not his real name; his real name is Tool Bench). We took him to Chuck E. Cheese in Birmingham. This is the first time I've been to Chuck E. Cheese since my brother's ninth/tenth birthday, so I was not entirely prepared for the fact that things had changed quite a bit from what I remembered. Such as:

1. This CEC had no robots. Okay, it had one robot, but the "stage show" took place on a series of monitors. I went to Showbiz Pizza as a kid; very similar, but with a pretty cool set of robots, including Billy Bob the banjo-strumming bear. Last time I saw Billy Bob, he was directing traffic in Ohio. True story.

2. There is no building in the free world large enough to house all the kids that get crammed into Chuck E. Cheese. On the outside, the building looks just fine. On the inside, it's a petri dish of children, swarming in all directions, parents not bothering or caring to keep up with them.

3. The TMNT arcade game that kept my attention pretty much most of the time was in a very poor spot; there was another machine directly behind me as I played, and kids who wanted to get to the skeeball machines had to squeeze past. I later told my wife that, in the course of the three hours we were there, I had my butt touched more times than I had in seven years of marriage. She laughed heartily, then added with a wink and a kiss, "No, you haven't!"

4. There were six skeeball machines, all so compact that the only way an adult male could stand in front of just one was to have both of his shoulders surgically removed.

5. The pizza sucks. When you're hungry enough, though, you'll eat anything.

6. They do have beer at Chuck E. Cheese, which surprised me, but only momentarily; how else would it possible for all those beleaguered parents to make it through the day?

7. It's very easy to take the shoes off a little boy, but very difficult to put them back on.

8. The video game- to- ticket-dispensing attraction ratio was depressing low. My memories of Showbiz Pizza were mostly peppered with the glut of classic arcade games from the heydays of the early 1980s. This one had a fishing video game, about six different racing arcade games and the aforementioned Turtles machine.

9. ???

10. Profit!

All in all, the entire weekend was just lovely up to the point where I contracted the worse case of stomach virus in the history of the human being, of which I am still suffering today. I blame the Internet, and the return of swing music.

... Now what?

2007-03-16T09:24:00.000-07:00

Resident Evil is behind me. I got a used copy of Resident Evil Zero and beat that in only a few days time, it being possibly the easiest of the RE games (and I thought REMake was pretty easy, too). Final Fantasy VI Advance is about to wrap up; as per usual, I'm putting off the final confrontation with Kefka for as long as possible.

So, now what?

Only a few weeks remain before the release of Super Paper Mario (followed by the releases of Pokémon Diamond and Pearl), so what should I play in the interim? I'm not about to start on Final Fantasy XII just yet; three weeks seems like not near enough time to invest in it, and I hate interrupting a large game and jumping back into it later. Instead, what classic games should I revisit, or what hidden treasures are out there that I have yet to play? I'm open to any and all suggestions.

Better late...

2007-03-05T06:10:00.000-08:00

So this weekend I hunkered down -- there was hunkering -- and finally finished Resident Evil. The first one. The remake, on GameCube.

Did I mention that I started playing it about five years ago, abandoned it after less than an hour for no particular reason, and hadn't touched it since?

Yeah.

If this be twilight...

2007-02-22T09:18:00.001-08:00

Long story short, I finally procured a Wii a few wiiks ago, and it's been non-stop fun ever since. Though Sensei and Ana sing of its praises from on high, I have yet to even crack the adhesive tab on Wii Sports, instead focusing all my attention on the NES classic Kid Icarus (another story for another day) and The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.

I write this post on the cusp of just having finished the game last night, having clocked in nearly 45 hours on the adventure with only minor deviation from the quest itself. Rarely is it that any game – Final Fantasy included – actually delivers on its promise of a 40+ hour adventure, but Twilight Princess does, and, like a good movie or book, you won't notice the time as it passes by.

Better than Ocarina of Time? Yeah, probably. But likely not as culturally significant. I say that simply because that anyone who knows me knew that I spent every waking moment drooling over Ocarina in the months prior to its 1998 release. Bear in mind, those of us who were N64 owners, we pounced on every bone Nintendo threw to us back in those dark and difficult times, and moldy scraps like Multi-Racing Championship and War Gods just weren't going to cut it, even when you were literally starved for new games (didn't get a PlayStation until 1999, just so you know). It's easy to see Ocarina's flaws in hindsight, and even easier to gloss over them when little else could compare to it. Still, it's one of my all-time favorite games, and I still think it's the most significant game in recent memory.

As for Twilight Princess, I recommend it to everyone. It's gorgeous, easy to learn, challenging if you have little patience for its puzzling dungeons (FYI, I made the entire run without consulting a guide; you should, too), and has a compelling story. It also introduces us to Midna, possibly the single most interesting character to be introduced to the lexicon in a good while.

And at the risk of spoiling things for those who have to complete it, I would say that the game has a good ending, but not an entirely satisfying one, as there is one small wrinkle that occurs in the ending sequence that keeps the conclusion from being an entirely happy one, depending on your point of view.

With Zelda behind me, I am looking to expand my horizons to the newest Wario Ware title in the coming wiiks. In the meantime, I managed to snag a used copy of Final Fantasy XII on the cheap, and I've gotta see what all the fuss is about.

Look out below!

2007-02-08T16:06:00.000-08:00

So Anna Nicole Smith is dead.

So. Who gets her inheritence?

Observational hubris

2007-02-07T05:46:00.000-08:00

Thought I'd pose a question to my regular readers, and to those who accidentally stumble upon my blog in their fruitless search for homemade mustard recipes, Lithuanian Yu-Gi-Oh cards, and pornographic pictures of trees.

So you're in an airport, and with time to kill before your flight, you pop into the newsstand (one of several dozen) and absently peruse the overpriced reading material. In addition to the usual thriller novels and news magazines, you'll find several rows of "men's" magazines, the likes of Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, et al. Here's my question: when you purchase an adult magazine from an airport newsstand, where and when do you "read" it? On the plane? At the gate while waiting for your plane? Someone help me out here.

Raping the dead (metaphorically, not the gross kind)

2007-01-23T07:07:00.000-08:00

First off, a big apology to those who read this title and sprinted to my blog, no doubt panting in anticipation of explicit tales of necrophilia. I assure you, there is nothing for you here.

No, this is a rant, a long-withheld rant on the commercial practice of taking dead celebrities and re-animating them, in a manner of speaking, to sell a new product. The most recent instigator of this ire is a popcorn commercial, in which the earnest face of Orville Redenbacher is uncerimoniously planted atop the body of someone else, someone who is trying to sell popcorn while simultaneously shaking his groove thang to his iPod. It's not enough to raise and subjugate the deceased; we are no longer content with this. We must contemporize them in the process... for, if we fail to do this, who will buy popcorn? The same people who've been purchasing popcorn their entire lives? Please. Existing markets are so last year.

Poor Orville isn't the first to be indentured into this kind of post-mortem puppeteering, no sir. Loved ones may well remember my ire over Audrey Hepburn being forced into doing her Funny Girl dance for a thoroughly soulless Gap ad. And then there's a less recent -- but memorably lengthy -- commercial for insurance featuring Fred and Ethel Merks. And, of course, there's the granddaddy of them all, Fred Astair dancing with a vacuum cleaner in a mid-90's ad.

So, why stop there? Where do the rules of decency end? Why not use any deceased celebrity or pseudo-celebrity to sell your wares? For any of you ad execs that might have accidentally stumbled across this blog in your search for necrophilia, here's a few suggestions:

• Princess Di for Absolut Vodka.
• John Denver for American Airlines.
• Mama Cass for Jimmy Dean Country-Baked Ham.
• Hunter S. Thompson for Smith & Wesson.
• John Candy, Chris Farley and John Belushi for Kentucky Fried Chicken.
• David Spade for eHarmony. I know, he's not dead, but he's dead inside.

C'mon, people, don't let me down.

The entity

2007-01-14T20:09:00.000-08:00

We spent a wonderful weekend with Sensei and Ana this weekend. Two good friends -- let's call them Dr. Teeth and Janice -- dropped by, and brought with them their newborn son, whom I shall now refer to as The Mighty Thor. It was with great trepidation that I held the child, thereby holding a baby for the first time in my life. I cannot get over how it makes me feel to hold this tiny life, on whom everything looks precious, from his glistening eyes to his near-microscopic fingernails. I am, indeed, in love.

I have played a metric buttload of games recently, and have yet to come across a lemon, other than the questionable variety of mini-games in Super Monkey Ball Banana Blitz. I wholeheartedly recommend everything I have played, from the offbeat rhythm game Elite Beat Agents to the mesmerizing DS remake of Final Fantasy III, from the multiple babies of Yoshi's Island 2 to the engrossing life sim Animal Crossing: Wild World. Oh, and Sensei showed me Zuma for the first time, which goes by Magnetica on the DS; might have to get that one, too.

Still no Wii, but I have long resolved not to camp out in front of stores or rely on stock boy rumors about early morning shipments. There will be a time when I will find a Wii, easy as pie, and that'll be when I get one. The PlayStation 3, on the other hand, sits like an unwanted kitten, in stacks upon stacks in the front of Best Buy, in the dusty corners of Wal-Mart's display cases, and I'm pretty sure I saw one bumming change on Beale Street, too. It appears that a major paradigm shift has taken place in the videogaming world, and it will be interesting to see its aftermath.

Interesting to me, mind.

On the therapeutic powers of celery

2006-12-16T09:07:00.000-08:00

So we're at my brother-in-law's house, eating breakfast. My nephew is watching "Wonder Pets," a preschool program concerning the adventures of a photorealistic duck, turtle and guinea pig. Said critters are helping a puppy make it through a doggy door so that said pooch can go pee. All four animals make it outside and relieve themselves simultaneously. Following, one animal grabs a vegetable, starts to eat it, and utters the immortal line:

"Celery is great after a good pee!"

Deck the halls with figgy pudding

2006-12-12T09:04:00.000-08:00

The holidays are upon us, meaning we are once more caught in the iron, lobsteresque grip of Chrismahannakwanzaatetentinehog's Day or whatever we're calling it these days in order to keep from offending everyone, or everyone with lawyers, at least.

For those of you who've been asking, yes, I am still gaming. The problem is, as it often tends to be at this time of year, there are too many games, and I find myself staring down the shotgun barrels of the seasonal overload. I am currently trying to juggle Final Fantasy V Advance, Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin, Elite Beat Agents and Yoshi's Island DS, all at the same time. Not to mention that Thundercat and I just picked up Lego Star Wars and haven't even cracked it open yet. And I'm not even going to start on Final Fantasy III until all this stuff is behind me.

So, if you're here looking for insights on the games of the holidays, I'm afraid that I have none, or none of substance, just yet. I will go on record as saying that, so far, I'm enjoying everything, and have no real complaints about any of the games I've played over the past few months.

Animation-wise, I haven't seen anything new for a while. Anyone have any recommendations? Things like Happy Feet and Monster House don't interest me in the least, so feel free to recommend other current or even classic animated movies (bearing in mind that I've seen every single Disney film, including Fun and Fancy Free, Make Mine Melody, Saludos Amigos and even the publicly-disavowed Song of the South).

Verbatim

2006-11-14T06:09:00.000-08:00

So I'm in the shower last night, when my wife comes into the bathroom, getting ready for bed. Next thing I know, she's standing at the shower door, and we have the following conversation.

Her: Guess what?
Me: What?
Her: You're naked!
Me: ....
Her: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Me: Well, I'm glad you told me. That could have been embarrassing.

Go, crazy violin girl, go!

2006-11-12T17:45:00.000-08:00

Last night, Thundercat and I went with Sensei and Ana to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Aside from the much-loved Christmas in Sareymahuevomoagogo, I'm not all that familiar with their music. I gotta say, the Christmas portion of the program didn't do a whole lot for me, but I loved the rest of it, which mostly took classical music and performed it in a hard rock fashion. There was a frightening amount of talent on that stage, but clearly the show-stealer was the strings director, a British woman in knee boots who headbanged while playing the electric violin. It was a sight, seeing this woman sprinting about the arena in heels, all the while still playing her instrument in an almost violent fashion.

Off the top of my head, I recall hearing rock versions of "The Marriage of Figaro", "Beethoven's 5th Symphony - Allegro", "The Magic Flute", "O Fortuna", "The Nutcracker", "Flight of the Bumblebee", "Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2", and "Für Elise". Gonna have to grab some new CDs soon.

Got Elite Beat Agents and Final Fantasy V Advance this week; gonna blog on them soon. Next week, Final Fantasy III and Yoshi's Island DS will get added to the pile. Weep with pity for my poor, poor wallet.

Addendum ad nauseum

2006-11-01T09:47:00.000-08:00

While recalling that it had been a good while since I last blogged, something extraordinary occurred to me. Halloween has come and gone, and in all the time leading up to the holiday, and the actual day itself, I didn't have a single piece of Halloween candy. The sweetest stuff I've had in the past week has been Rice Krispies© treats and orange juice™.

I haven't been blogging about games recently because I haven't been putting nearly as much time into them. But I have played a few, and I can share some thoughts about those here.

Contact: This is the most recent game I've purchased, and it's definitely an interesting game, but I think the Intertron hype leading up to its release has misled me. I expected an off-the-wall, marvelous, deep, challenging and entertaining role-playing game with a distinctly hands-off approach to combat; what I got was a very difficult, almost frustrating, and ultimately not particularly interesting game. I'm not sure if I misled myself to believe that Contact would be more than it is, or if I just haven't invested enough time into it to see if it really gets good the further I get into it (the old "the game gets better when you get out of Midgar" rationalization). I will finish this game, but I find myself looking forward to the new RPGs coming out in the next few weeks so that I don't feel obligated to play Contact.

Lego Star Wars: There are two Lego Star Wars games, and I rented both of them; the first one covers the prequel trilogy, the second the original three. Just take the world of Star Wars and render it entirely in Legos, and that's what it is. Not a hard game by any means, but I loved both titles, partially from the action fix they provide and partially because I simply love the idea behind the game, having grown up playing with Legos from dawn to dusk.

Pokémon XD: Take the story to Pokémon Colosseum and expand it to include a new adventure and a lot more Pokémon. The concept of snagging and purifying "Shadow" Pokémon is one I've never been able to force myself to enjoy, and I tried rushing through the game over the period of a five-day rental just to see if I could reach the point where I could take all the Pokémon I've caught and transfer them to the Game Boy games. Eventually, I got tired of it and gave up; I'll come back to it someday, but only when the spirit moves me.

Dragon Quest Heroes - Rocket Slime: I picked up this little beauty a month ago. Imagine a Zelda-type game where the hero is an amorphous blob, who attacks by propelling his body forward like a rubber band. Now imagine that anything and everything you encounter can be collected, and eventually used as ammo in a series of tank battles. I love this game; so far, it's one of my favorites this year.

Capcom Classics Mini Mix: The NES versions of Bionic Commando, Mighty Final Fight and Strider together on a single cartridge. Strider stinks, and you can't save any of your progress on any game, but no one with a soul can resist the siren song of Bionic Commando, still one of the best action-adventure games ever conceived by mortal man. Lo, when the angels descend from on high, they will be playing Bionic Commando.

That's every last flake of brain dandruff I can come up for now. I'll try to blog more regularly in the future.

Dentist!

2006-10-17T10:10:00.000-07:00

With all that's been going on in my life lately, I haven't taken the proper time to lather up a good, wholesome fear of my dentist appointment today. In that spirit, I bring you the lyrics to the song "Dentist!" from Little Shop of Horrors:

[ORIN]
When I was younger, just a bad little kid,
My mama noticed funny things I did,
Like shootin' puppies with a B B gun
I'd poison guppies, and when I was done
I'd find a pussycat and bash in its head
That's when my mama said

[CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON]
What did she say?

[ORIN]
She said, "My boy, I think someday
You'll find a way
To make your natural tendencies pay
You'll be a dentist
You have a talent for causin' things pain
Son, be a dentist
People will pay you to be inhumane
Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood
And teaching would suit you still less
Son, be a dentist
You'll be a success

[CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON]
Here he is, folks the leader of the plaque!
Watch him suck up that gas!
Oh, my god!
He's a dentist and he'll never ever be any good
Who wants their teeth done by the Marquis de Sade?

[PATIENT]
Oh that hurts! I'm not numb!

[ORIN]
Oh, shut up. Open wide. here I come!
I am your dentist

[PATIENT]
Goodness gracious!

[ORIN]
And I enjoy the career that I picked

[CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON]
Really love it

[ORIN]
I am your dentist

[PATIENT]
Fitting braces

[ORIN]
And I get off on the pain I inflict

[CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON]
Really love it

[ORIN]
I thrill when I drill a bicuspid

[CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON]
Bicuspid

[ORIN]
It's swell though they tell me I'm maladjusted
And though it may cause my patients distress,
Somewhere, somewhere in heaven above me
I know, I know, that my mama's proud of me
Oh, mama
'Cause I'm a dentist and a success
Say ah!

[PATIENT]
Ah!

[ORIN]
Say ah!

[PATIENT]
Ah!

[ORIN]
Say ah!

[PATIENT]
Ah!

[ORIN]
Now spit!

The quest

2006-10-02T05:51:00.000-07:00

We arrived at about noon on Saturday. It was an unusual warm day for late September, with a thick, white haze that hung over the city like a thick white haze that tends to hang over cities on unusually warm days.

It wasn't much better inside. There was already a line, about thirty thick, most of them young, many of them not. The young ones were excitable, fidgety, intense with anticipation. The older ones were not. Those who were there for the same purpose as the children were silent, steely, as though they wished others did not see them there. Those accompanying the children talked quietly with the others.

The wait was long. Those at the front were taking too long. We later discovered that they were there to take more than they were to be allotted, and, for a time, most of them succeeded. Others came unprepared. The line shifted only after about ten minutes at the start, and moved more quickly in the time that followed. We chatted, to keep our spirits high, to ward off the unusual heat that we did not expect inside the building, to help us ignore the increasing soreness in our feet and the gradual aches of our backs.

Soon, there were less than ten before us. We became more restless. The children could not sit still, jumping out of line repeatedly to gawk and gaze at what they could not have, what they could not afford. We were slowly becoming more and more irritated with the children. Those same children would irritate us further by taking more than they deserved, as had those before us, and at the expense of our time and patience.

We were next in line. The word soon came that the line behind us had passed the two hour mark. People were getting restless. Those in charge were warned not to give out more than they should, as an incident could take place. I fear they did not take that threat seriously.

It was our turn. We chose what we would give away in return for our prize. The transfer took place. I was excited, but I dared not show it, for such glee at my age would be frowned upon. She was also excited; I could tell, but she, too, restrained herself.

And it was over. We stepped aside and admired our acquisitions. Satisifed, and tired, we left, and returned to our vehicle, back in the hazy still of the Memphis afternoon.

We are each the proud owner of Mew, the legendary 151st Pokémon.

Oh, and Dragon Quest Heroes: Rocket Slime and Capcom Classics Mini Mix are both awesome. I'll blog about those next time.

Hell hath no fury...

2006-09-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

... like a woman who misses out on most of The Amazing Race due to slow service at Olive Garden and repeated severe warnings and graphics.

D rarely gets angry, or very angry. Last night, she was a seething cauldron of P-O'ed fury, a cauldron I wisely chose not to stir, and I think that, were her parents not at our house last night, she might have blown off some of that steam.

I went into the other room and watched Family Guy. So it's not like I didn't suffer.

Toon in, toon on, toon out

2006-09-12T06:51:00.000-07:00

So the new seasons of Fox's animated series' began this past Sunday. D and I sat down and watched all of them. The Simpsons was excellent, perhaps the best season premiere in years. American Dad was good, but not great; some things worked and some things didn't. Family Guy was vile; not funny-vile, just vile. And, because of football, King of the Hill has yet to premiere this season.

So, did you catch any of these shows last Sunday? What did you think? My conclusions: The Simpsons may have a better season than last, but I'm pretty much done with Family Guy. Your thoughts?

Evermore Post Mortem

2006-09-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

I'm not done with Final Fantasy IX just yet, but I thought I should write about Secret of Evermore while it's still fresh in my brain, having replayed it a few weeks ago.

Secret of Evermore was first released in 1995 on the Super NES, the lone product of the no-longer-existing Square USA. The idea was to make an adventure game similar to Secret of Mana, with similar battle and menu systems. Only the game doesn't actually have anything to do with Mana. This game is a tale of a boy and his dog, who are accidentally transported to the fantasy realm of Evermore. Created specifically as a personal playground for its inhabitants, Evermore is falling apart, beset with monsters and evils that its creators didn't intend upon.

When I first played through Evermore years and years ago -- I was still in college at the time -- I recall not enjoying it particularly well. On my second playthrough, I liked it just fine. It's strange how something like this could happen, that your estimation of a video game that was mediocre at the time when it was cutting-edge could improve long after the technology used by the game has been rendered archaic. I'll be upfront and say that this game isn't as good as Mana; not nearly as good. It's a much shorter adventure, which is either good or bad by your personal estimation. I'm not sure how a game's length determines its quality; if the game's bad to begin with, why would you want more of it? If you love the game and it ends quickly, how would extending it make you love it even more, as opposed to simply making it tiresome? But I digress. Evermore has an unusual magic system based on the ancient quackery of alchemy; after learning spells, you have to collect ingredients in certain amounts and use them to cast the spells. This is really more trouble than it's worth, for the sole reason that -- while most ingredients are easy to find -- you'll only need a small handful of the spells you can learn, as many of them have functions almost identical to each other.

The big thing with Evermore -- something that I recall from the first run and that remains true today -- is its atmosphere. Visually, the game isn't much to look at. When you factor in the sound, it creates a level of immersion that's almost unmatched even to this day. But that's not a good thing. The music is very subtle, ambient and downright cold, making Evermore a game that's very un-game-like. The word I keep coming back to is "unfriendly." Evermore is an unfriendly game. It's not hard, it's not overly demanding, it's not even that tedious... but it doesn't make you want to play it. It goes out of its way to submerge you in this fantasy world that is completely uninteresting.

Given the ten-year span between the two times I have played this game, it will be interesting to see what I think of it in 2016.

IX is Enough

2006-08-31T11:59:00.000-07:00

Miss me?

I have gotten back into Final Fantasy IX, possibly the most overlooked of the "regular" Final Fantasy games(MMOORRPPGG Final Fantasy XI doesn't count, nor do any of the other "freak" titles like Mystic Quest, Crystal Chronicles, X-2 or any of the exceeding lame VII spin-offs). After the more "adult" themes of VII and VIII (adult by visual design only, best as I can tell), IX is a throwback to the swords-and-sorcery roots of the series, with castles, airships, mages and knights, among other conventions. However, in keeping with the traditions of the other two PS1 Final Fantasy games (VII and VIII), the story is borderline ludicrous, an extremely-difficult-to-follow mess about dual civilizations and harvesting souls and magic beings called "eidolons" (read: summons, guardian forces, espers, etc). Please don't try to explain it to me, either; if it has to be explained by a third party, then it's a bad story. Live with it.

But the game is good. I guess that's the thing about Final Fantasy; the games play so well (to me) that I can look past the story elements (or lack of cohesion of such) and just enjoy the game. Yeah, all that tedious level-grinding and seeking of rare items and trying to get this thing or that thing after hours of set-up and effort? I like that stuff. Don't ask me to explain why. I don't feel like I have to justify my likes or dislikes to anyone for any reason.

There are two things that must be said about Final Fantasy IX, for they are absolutes. The first is that Tetra Master, the trading card game within the game, positively blows. It's played similar to the card game from VIII (which was excellent and VERY addictive), only with a bizarre set of rules that are never made inherantly clear. In fact, at several points in the game, NPCs (non-playable characters) will flat-out TELL you that the numbers and indicators scrawled across the cards are not undertsood by anyone within the game! You know they mean something, but you'll never be told, and everytime I think I've got it, it turns out to be wrong. Sure, I could look it up on the Intertron, but I shouldn't have to. No card game should have rules that oblique.

The second absolute is that this game contains one of my all-time favorite video game quotes, a statement made even more profound given that it's delivered by Final Fantasy IX's most bizarre cast member, the frog-like, tongue-wagging Quina Qu, who speaks thus:

“Why you care about small things? World very simple place. World only have two things: Things you can eat and things you no can eat.”

Accomplishment

2006-08-22T05:51:00.000-07:00

After several attempts to talk myself out of it, I actually went to a social function last night. Even with all the work we've done to conquer it, a touch of the social anxiety still remains, and it probably wouldn't have manifested itself at all if D were there (she's out of town this week). But I still went, and had a pretty good time. I also found myself far less intimidated by the presence of children, for once, and enjoyed watching them and chatting about them.

One of our friends is having a baby this very day, if she hasn't already by the time I've written this. I always like to see her, even though I don't know her very well. She reminds me very strongly of an old friend of mine who -- this is pleasant -- died a few years ago. She sounds like her, she has the same energetic air about her, she even looks like her. I always smile when I see her, but it's an unusual feeling, almost sad. Is that weird or have other people experienced this sort of thing?

So, games. The slow season is about to give way to the deluge, and I somehow must come up with the money to purchase all these little goodies over the next four months:

Contact
Dragon Quest Heroes: Rocket Slime
Mega Man ZX
Capcom Mini Mix
StarFox Command
Mario vs Donkey Kong 2
Super Paper Mario
Children of Mana
Final Fantasy III
Final Fantasy V Advance
Final Fantasy XII (picking up on a theme here?)
Pokémon Mystery Dungeon
Pokémon Ranger
Zelda: Twilight Princess
Kirby Squeak Squad
Yoshi's Island 2
Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin
Capcom Classics Collection Vol. 2
Taito Legends Vol. 2

And that doesn't even take the Wii into account, nor the half-dozen or so DS games that are already out but I never got for some reason or the other (Animal Crossing, Big Brain Academy, Metroid Prime Hunters, etc).

So, if anyone wants to throw a little extra cash my way, I will be glad to perform any services you may require, within reason. And by "within reason", I mean that no, I won't wear the Raggedy Andy wig. 'Til then, I think I'm going to run through Final Fantasy IX again; I've only played through it once, and that was many years ago.

A Mind Rot Exposé: Does John Hester Truly, Truly Rock?

2006-08-21T06:32:00.000-07:00

I guess so. A little. Maybe.

Scraps

2006-08-15T10:14:00.000-07:00

At Sensei Adams' behest, I am updating my blog.

Since his is replete with stories of exercise and personal health, I thought I would share my own experience. With D out of town frequently this past month and little else to do when she's not around, I have gotten back on the treadmill, and so far it has been a successful venture: every time I have gotten on, I have managed to stay on for a full half-hour, which is a lot when you're as out-of-shape as I am. The problem isn't doing it, it's making myself do it. I just got a new MP3 player, and it really is making it a lot more fun.

Denise and I finally saw Cars a few weekends ago, and it defeated all my expectation by being excellent, far more than I could have hoped for from the lackluster trailers.

Some time this week, I will get the eighth season of The Simpsons on DVD. We're talkin' The Springfield Files, Sherry Bobbins, Scorpio, Laddie, the Spin-Off Showcase, Lisa in military school, Sideshow Bob and Sideshow Cecil, Ned institutionalized, Nelson in love and some of the other best moments in the show's history.

No new games to talk about; it'll be about another month before the next ones I want are released, and in typical fashion they're all coming out at once, conclusively proving that Nintendo hates me and only likes me for my money. And that black eye I had last month? Nintendo wants you to believe that I "walked into a door."

I don't have anything else to write. Next time on Mind Rot: does John Hester truly, truly rock? Or is it all a sham?

The decision

2006-08-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how many "books" I've put together over the years, but I've finally decided to publish one, or at least attempt to. It will be titled "Screamerz and Doorknobz Cover Collection", and that is exactly what it will be: a nicely bound-and-printed collection of the covers to all 78+ episodes, with a sample page from each and additional commentary on the episode. It will quick and simple, a coffee table book for those with little self-consciousness concerning their household furnishings.

I plan to send an email out soon to guage any interest in such an undertaking... so, in the meantime, tell me, what do you think? Would you spend actual, American dollars on my book? Or am I wasting my time?

Insanity - S = Inanity

2006-07-28T09:58:00.000-07:00

Hey, kids! Do you like Madden NFL Football?

Anyone?

Bueller? Bueller?

Well, if you did like it, you'd be happy to know that, this year, you can watch a special behind-the-scenes preview/commercial for the game prior to its mid-August release. Check your local pay-per-view listings and you, too, can order the Madden preview for only $19.99! That's right; you have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pay money to watch a commercial for a game that will more than likely feature only marginal improvements between all the previous editions!

Don't delay! Act now!

The right touch

2006-07-26T07:13:00.000-07:00

Another new game in my possession that I thought I'd tell you about.

Trauma Center: Under the Knife is a nifty hospital drama game wherein you are call upon to perform surgery. Using a variety of tools, you use the stylus to perform operations, with your assisting nurse watching over you. Sounds weird, doesn't it? Well, much like Phoenix Wright, this game works on some strangely perverse "this is new" kinda level. I realize that surgery games have been around for a long time, though in short supply (Microcosm on the Intellivision, if I remember correctly), but the DS provides a fresh approach, chiefly through the use of a touch screen. The story that fills in the gaps between the operations isn't anything like the humorous, well-written script to Phoenix Wright; it's okay, but not great. Basically, the further you delve into the title, the more it veers into X-Files territory, with alien parasites causing people's bodies to deteriorate, requiring you to remove the bugs and repair the damage. I'm about halfway through, I think; I just finished an operation where I had to perform surgery not on a body, but a bomb. It's an excellent game; I'm really enjoying it. I've been hearing a lot about how difficult the game gets, but so far I haven't run across anything that didn't require more than a few tries.

Like Phoenix Wright, this game is pretty rare. I found a used copy at Gamestop... or, at least, I thought it was new. When I took the box up to the counter, it turned out that the game was actually new, and that someone had erroniously put a "used" sticker on it. So I got a new game for a used price!

E-Z Animation

2006-07-22T17:33:00.000-07:00

I finally caught a showing of Madagascar on HBO, and can now safely confirm that this movie, definitively, blows. I would have to rank it down there with Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights as one of the worst animated movies I've ever seen, bar none.

But there's no denying the success of the Dreamworks formula. Wanna make big bucks through animation? Here's how to do it, the Dreamworks way!:

* Take a concept that's already been done, do it again, and claim to be the first one to have come up with it. Better yet, find out what Disney's working on, rip it off entirely, and go out of your way to make sure that your version comes out in theaters first!

* Hire as many big-name actors as you can -- on the basis of their names, not their talent -- and have them do the voices. Make sure, in your promotional materials, that you advertise the voice actors as opposed to the characters they are voicing.

* License your characters to as many different products as you can, and have them printed on everything from breakfast cereal to diaphragms. Then stick as many product placements as you possibly can into the film itself! For extra credit, put these products on the shelves up to a full year before the film is released in theaters! Whatever doesn't sell, you can put in new, "limited edition" packaging and mark up for the DVD release.

* Pack in as many hoary, tiresome film parodies as you can. Who needs fresh material? People only want to laugh at things they're already familiar with. (For further additional aid, see any random episode of Family Guy.)

* Meet your quotas of fart jokes, words-that-sound-dirty-but-really-aren't, and bodily function/fluid references.

* Write and animate the film in the course of fifteen minutes. Quality is for chumps.

* Release it amongst the biggest self-generated ad/hype campaign a human being is capable of mustering, and blame the film's failure on (pick one: the box office slump / international concerns / not enough product placements / President Bush / Wall Street / Disney / your dog).

I know you can do it, kids. Don't let me down.

Objectionable!

2006-07-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

Funny, this is my blog about games and crap and I've yet to write anything relevant to the blog's very purpose. So, here we go.

About three weeks ago I received a brand new copy of Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney for the DS. I was intrigued by the concept of a courtroom-based text adventure, its popularity on the Intertron, and its latent rarity. I had to order it from Capcom's Web site, and I was lucky to get it, as the entire shipment sold out that same night.

A little background: I've been playing games since I was three. Though I was too young to reap the benefits, I've been on the ground floor of videogaming since its inception. One of the most unique and unquestionably appealing types of game has been the text adventure. "Zork" is probably the most famous of these types of games, but my all-time favorite has to be The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy. Of course, in today's society of high-powered graphics and "cool" factor, this type of game doesn't cut it anymore. It has since evolved into the point-and-click adventure, consisting of classics such as Maniac Mansion and Secret of Monkey Island. And now, that brings us to Phoenix Wright.

You play the role of a fresh-from-the-bar defense lawyer, continually forced into different cases that, from their outset, he couldn't possibly win. But by pressing the witnesses, examining the evidence, and objecting to even the most minor contradictions, Phoenix can and does win -- provided you don't tick off the judge. Press the witness to much and you'll get called on the carpet for badgering; object to a statement to which you cannot present evidence of a clear contradiction and the judge will overrule you. If you're penalized five times in the course of a single trial, the judge will end the proceedings immediately and rule against your client, ending the game. Being a DS title, it does indeed employ some limited voice recognition. You have to hold down the Y button to "activate" the microphone, but you can shout "HOLD IT!" to press the witness, "TAKE THAT!" to present evidence, and "OBJECTION!" to... well, object.

Before the courtroom battles begin, you need to gather evidence. Visit the crime scenes and other locations, examine every square inch of the area, and talk to anyone who has anything to say. A great deal of this game's personality comes from the characters you meet and the things they have to say. Phoenix himself is a great character, easily flustered by his opponents and clearly inexperienced. In the second chapter, you gain a partner, a pre-teen girl who tackles the caseload with just a bit too much energy. The prosecuting attorneys range from serious and business-like to preening and arrogant; the last one, whom you face in the fourth and fifth chapters, runs the proceedings with an iron fist, intimidating even the judge.

Needless to say, I love this game.

I've also dredged up the Super NES classic Secret of Mana for another playthrough. I'm almost done, and I still like this game, though I'm disappointed that it doesn't move as quickly or as smoothly as I remember. I'm tempted to go after its spiritual successor, Secret of Evermore, when I'm done, even though I didn't care much for that game the first time I played it.

In defense of South Park

2006-07-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

First of all, for those who are new here, I love cartoons. I have made it a point over the years to support all animated series, for no reason other than a love of the medium.

That said, I have a few choice words about one of the most controversial animated series, South Park.

Last night, part two of "Cartoon Wars" aired. In this story, Cartman travels to Fox Studios to fool them into pulling a controversial episode of Family Guy off the air. Said episode allegedly shows an uncensored image of the holy prophet Muhammed; al-Queda (sp?) has promised to retaliate severely if this takes place. Cartman, who hates Family Guy and its bizarre, disjointed structure (it really is a crappy way to write a cartoon, but I digress), knows that making them pull a single episode will inevitably lead to even greater censorship, to the point that the show will be taken off the air entirely. Another boy, Kyle, tries to stop him, with the help of a certain spiky-haired character from another popular animated series.

After this two-parter initially aired last spring, reports sprung up all over the Internet about its content, with even major news outlets reporting how an episode of South Park contained "images of Jesus defecating on President Bush and the American flag". Sounds horrible in print, doesn't it?

But have you actually seen the episode?

Let me put it in context for you. After Kyle succeeds in saving Family Guy, and the controversely imagery is shown (though we don't get to see it; it is edited for our viewing, in a joking slam against Comedy Central's own hypocritical censorship guidelines). As the world celebrates, President Bush is suddenly informed, "The terrorists are retaliating!!" The retaliation -- as it were -- is a cartoon produced by al-Queda (how in the holy crap you spell that??). In it, a photographic cut-out of a normal person appears. "Hello! I am American!" Another one appears. "I am American, too! Let's crap!" And they do... with horribly-drawn cartoon poop appearing at random all over the place. Other "people" join them, including President Bush and Jesus, and they all crap. "Yummy, yummy crap!" An American flag is beneath them. Then the cartoon ends, with a question mark hilariously drawn after the words "The End".

I submit that there is no way a rational human being can see this scene and actually be offended by it. It is one of the most ludicrous things I've ever seen. I will admit right here and now that I found it hilarious, that the "retaliation" promised by these terrorist organizations is little more than their own poorly-produced cartoon, intended to incense the American people over the mocking protrayal of their flag, their President and their savior, but done in a way that no one could possibly take it seriously.

AND YET, in real life, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT DID. Even without trying, even without having anything to do with it, THE TERRORISTS WON thanks to the average American's inherant fear and ignorance about things HE HAS HEARD ARE BAD BUT HAS NO DIRECT KNOWLEDGE OF.

Why are you wasting your energy on this silly cartoon? It's not intended for your children; that much should be patently clear by now. Its messages, such as they are, are not going to affect you, other than getting you angry for no good reason. Why are we such a reactionary society? I, therefore, controversially submit that, in regards to this dopey cartoon about crap-flinging photographs of Americans, that WE ARE NOT MATURE ENOUGH FOR IT.

That's all. Next time, I promise to write about something less heavy.

Here I go, again on my own

2006-07-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

Gonna try Blogspot and see if I can do any better with it than I did on myspace.